Reprinted in Your Tango December 2021
https://www.yourtango.com/family/10-most-damaging-things-parents-say-children-divorce
Originally appeared in Fatherly July 2018 
https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/divorce-things-to-never-say-to-children/
As a health, media and educational/child psychologist and former trainer for parents in Pittsburgh’s Divorce Education program, I was interviewed by “Fatherly” about things to never say to your kids during a divorce. The latest project around children and divorce is acting as a board member and contributor for a new film that will air on PBS in the fall about ways to help families navigate the storm of during divorce. I would offer the following key points:
1. Never say anything negative about the spouse. Too many parents do this and it is destructive because children are half of each parent, so when the parent is berated, the child feels berated, too. They may become defensive and protective of the criticized spouse, damaging the relationship with the criticizing parent. So don’t say “Your father is a deadbeat father,” or “Your mother is greedy and controlling.”
2. Do not share financial problems with your children. It’s okay to say that things have changed since the divorce and that spending on certain things may no longer be possible, but don’t burden them with adult issues concerning finances. Let them enjoy their childhood, and don’t tell them, ” I have to take your father/mother to court to get more money.”
3.“Men/Women are cheaters/liars/abusers” or any other generalization about the opposite sex that would cause a permanent negative image of the other gender. Children are watching you and listening to you and you don’t want them to repeat the same pattern in their future relationships.
4. Show the ability to forgive rather than carry a grudge that creates bitterness and pain. Statements such as, “I will never forgive him/her for what they did,” creates an atmosphere of long-term damage and hardship that blocks the way to a better future. It also suggests that traumatic events cannot be overcome
5. “I will never be the same,” indicates that there is no way back after divorce. The feeling of being a victim may be present and a parent may need help to get through the grief and pain. Yet, showing victimization may make the child take a stand with the victimized parent, or even against them, which is always harmful.
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